Rules for Parking

If you are a half bad boy, you already probably know the rules for parking. But you might be an aspiring half bad boy; a half bad boy in training; a padowan learner. Fear not, aspiring youth. Read on, and you will know how to park like a true half bad boy.

1. The enemy of a good spot is the perfect spot. Are you one of those people who agonizes over trying to determine the absolute closest spot available? Stop it - you are embarrassing the rest of us. Just pick a spot and park. Who cares if it is an extra 50 feet from the door? You could use the exercise.
2. Don't wait for people. Unless the parking lot really is empty, don't wait for people to vacate a spot. Now, I'm not talking about failing to yield to people who are actually backing out when you get there. I'm talking about sitting there, blocking traffic with your turn signal on, waiting for them to get into their car and leave. If you had just taken that spot about 100 feet ahead, you would already be in the building by now. You are wasting everyone's time.
3. Prefer a spot in front of the door - even if it is not the closest. Why is this? Simple - you will always know where your car is without having to remember.
4. Park correctly. This means parking straight, within the spot, not obstructing traffic or other parking efforts, etc. People will judge you by your parking prowess - at least, I will (you lame-parker, you). Oh, and another thing - only one spot per car, please. Only experienced half bad boys know the intricacies of how to get away with quad-parking. Leave that to the experts.
5. Exceptions for really dope rides. You have an H2? Really? Or a blinged-out Escalade on 22s? Or a Ferrari? Man, you are a half bad boy. You can park wherever you want.

How to Play Sim Survivor

I figured since I mentioned Sim Survivor last time, I should tell you how to play.

It is really quite easy.

1. Create a new family with eight people in it. We would do more than eight but families can only have eight people in them.
2. Start a game with this family in a home that you will build.
3. When you build the home, focus only on exterior walls. The home should have a fridge inside and a front door. Carpet, wallpaper, furniture, bathroom, beds - all optional.
4. When the home is built, get everyone to go inside the home. Then pause the game and remove the door.
5. The game is on! Eventually you will run out of money and there will be no food in the fridge.
6. The last person still alive is the winner. Enter the cheat code to give them $1M, and then give them some food - fast!
7. Now that they have won, they can blow their $1M on crap, just like the winners of real Survivor do.

Some considerations:

• The spartan game (empty rectangular house with a single fridge) is interesting enough, but adding some creature comforts, like a toilet, one or two beds, or a couch can make things more interesting. This way, some of the Sims will be more rested than others, more happy, etc.
• Building a smaller house increases the likelihood of unhappiness. Not only are people more likely to be standing (and sleeping) in trash and filth, but they are more likely to get in fights. If you are lucky, some of the contestants will give up and quit the game. They will also try in vain to leave.
• For added zest, include a very junky stove. Odds are pretty good that they will start a fire, and with no front door for the firemen to enter, you have to hope it will just burn itself out. This is a good way to expedite the reduction in contestants, although it sometimes you end up with no winner of the game (for example, the Sims sometimes get so sleepy, that they can't help but fall asleep right in the middle of the fire).
• You will find that the neighbors come by to meet the new move-ins, and will die of starvation trying to find the door. If you care whether the others in your game survive, you may have to intervene in creative ways.
• The winner of the game may find his/her home haunted with the ghosts of the losers in the aftermath.

Have fun, and remember - it isn't true life.

What's In A Good Computer Game?

Is it really so hard to create a really good computer game?

One of my favorite computer games of all time is Microsoft's Motocross Madness 2. Now I'm not a big fan of Microsoft - in fact, in most cases I consider them to be at the same time a fascinating phenomenon and a necessary evil - but they did a lot of things right with MCM2.

If you aren't familiar, MCM2 is a motocross racing game. Although I do truly enjoy racing games, there are a few key things that make this game special.
The track builder is the biggest thing. Microsoft made available the Armadillo track editor, which admittedly is a pretty poor piece of software. But enough people have figured out how to use this thing well enough to create some amazing tracks. For example, you can download literally hundreds of different tracks, including replicas of almost every track on the AMA Motocross circuit, as well as replicas of supercross tracks from past series. This alone makes the game. Why is it that almost no other racing games offer this feature?
Skins are another big thing. In fact, I went through the work to create a skin that looks an awful lot like my very own 1998 KX 250 with the Factory Effex graphics kit. I have another skin that looks an awful lot like my own Thor Core 5 gear. So, yes, I can play myself, on my own KX 250, flying down Mt. St. Helen at Glen Helen if I wish. This way, I only virtually break my collarbone, again.
I first bought this game in 2001 and I am still playing it. If you can find a copy, you can usually get it for pretty cheap (I'm seeing them on eBay right now for less than $10). Personally, I wouldn't sell you my copy for $100. I'm still improving, too. For example, after I thought I had the game mastered, I realized that you can actually seat-bounce off the jumps. Yes, you do really go farther if you do it right.

The price point, the replay capability, and the variety afforded by the skins and the track editor is what makes this game.

Oh, and one more thing: The ability to go anywhere in the level I want to, not just on the track. Sure, you have to go into practice mode, but at least you can ride the track backwards, or go anywhere else for that matter.

Let's compare to another racing game I have, NASCAR Thunder 2003 for GameCube. There are a lot of available tracks, but I cannot create new ones. Skinning options are limited. And, no driving backwards on the track!
When the newer version came out, I went into the local game store and asked the salesperson about it.
"It's a pretty good game," he said.
"Hmm," I replied. "Can you drive backwards on the track?"
He looked at me pretty funny. "Uh, no. Why would you want to do that?"
"Because it is fun," I said.
What is wrong with these people?
Sure, sometimes I want to race for real, and see how well I can do. And sometimes, I want to start the race, turn around, and race backwards, and see how spectacularly I can crash head-on into the oncoming traffic.

It seems like the game making folks forget this. A computer game is meant to be an alternate reality. It isn't true life. In true life, Chad Reed doesn't race my KX 250 on a track of my own design, but in MCM2 he does, whenever I want him to. In true life, I'm much too chicken to seek out hostile aliens armed only with a crowbar, but I dare do it in Half-Life. And in true life, I would never dream of driving the wrong direction on the road into oncoming traffic, for a myriad of reasons. But it is pretty fun to do in a computer game.
At least, I assume it would be, if EA hadn't been so dumb as to disallow it in NASCAR Thunder.

This is why The Sims is a popular game, and why it is fun - but only if you play it right. Most people I know who play The Sims try to play it the "correct" way. Playing the correct way goes like this:

• Get up in the morning when you are still tired
• Skip breakfast so you can be to work on time
• Spend all day at work
• Come home and eat
• Have a brief moment of enjoyment before you have to go to bed
• Rinse and repeat

Gee, that sounds just like real life. You know what - I do that routine every day. Why would I want to play a game that is just like my real life? Yuck!

Now, when you use the cheat codes, the game becomes fun! Ctrl+Shift+C will open a command box where you can type "klapaucius" or "rosebud" (depending on the version you have) to increase your bank balance. Instead of working every day in order to sleep in a tiny house, you can play all day long in a mansion! You can build an indoor pool! You can play basketball in the house! You can put a full-size jacuzzi in your bedroom! You can hire a maid to clean up after you! See? Alternate reality!
This is also really the only way you can find the time to quickly create meaningful relationships with multiple people. If you want to create Sim soap operas this is a necessity. For example, you can get several of the girls across the street to fall in love with you, or you can pick a fight with your neighbor, and then trap him in a room with no door for as long as it takes. Hey, he should be nicer to you in your own house.
This cheat code is also an absolute necessity if you are going to play Sim Survivor.

It's too bad that you have to contort the game in order to make it fun. Did they forget what normal people do all the time? Did they forget that a computer game is supposed to be an alternate reality, not a depressing reminder of how lame your real life is?

This is why MCM2 is a great game. Playing it the way it was intended to be played means that you can do whatever you want. Sure, ride your motorcycle down that ski jump if you want to. Make your own supercross track with whoops that are 50 feet high, just to see what happens. Or make a rhythm section that can only be done quickly in exactly one way, if you seat bounce the section in the middle. And for only $10. Highly recommended.

If you do pick it up, which you should if you don't already have it, you will want the following two links:

• MCM Factory
• Twisted Dirt
  

You can download a lot of great tracks, rider skins, and bike skins from these locations.

AMA Superbike at MMP - Hopefully the First of Many

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the AMA Superbike event at the brand-new Miller Motorsports Park in Tooele, Utah. AWESOME.

The new track at MMP is sweet. Rave reviews were given by pretty much everyone who was asked. The fast, wide track, extensive runoff areas, and amenities make it the new standard by which American road courses will be judged. Hey, don't just take my word for it. I think it was Jake Zemke who said, "It is nice to finally have a world-class road racing facility in the United States." Most comparisons I heard were not to other road courses in America, but to Formula One courses around the world, which represent the cream of the crop when it comes to racing venues.

Congratulations, Larry Miller, on creating an awesome racing venue. Hopefully you can get the support you deserve to keep the events coming.

As for the event itself, well, the AMA Superbike event was the first ever sanctioned race at the new MMP, and in one of the best races of the year, Ben Spies managed to pull out yet another victory over Mat Mladin and Ben Bostrom. It was SUH-WEET.

Of course, visiting the vendor area is part of the appeal of these events, and this one was no exception. I was surprised at how small the vendor area was, but I expect that it will be bigger next year.

Here's some pictures:


Here's a picture of me standing next to a sweet MV Agusta. Oh, yeah. Italian motorcycles.



Here's a brand-new Triumph Daytona 675. Cycle World is raving about this bike, calling it the best middleweight sportbike available today. Oh, yeah. British motorcycles.



Here's a picture of me standing behind Ben Bostrom's racing Ducati, or at least a replica of it. Oh, yeah. Italian motorcycles again.



Finally - the start of the AMA Superbike race. Yes, these people really are insane. They are taking that corner at, oh, let's say 90 mph.

Some Rich People are Still Stupid - But I'd Rather Be Smart

Just because you are smart doesn't mean you will be rich - and just because you are stupid doesn't mean you can't be rich. As evidence we need look no farther than this article which tells how Ben Roethlisberger recently crashed while riding his 2005 Suzuki Hayabusa. Without a helmet.

Riding a motorcycle without a helmet is stupid.


This story hits home to me because my father, who is smart but not rich, was also recently injured in a motorcycle accident. My father has been riding motorcycles for over forty years. I have never known him to be injured in any way in a motorcycle accident prior to this one. In fact, I don't think he's ever even received a traffic citation during all of that time.


He was taking a corner on a highway at a very reasonable 25 miles per hour. Who knows exactly what happened next. Apparently, the front tire lost traction as the bike high-sided and threw my dad into the rocks that were piled next to the side of the highway.


Here's what happened:

• Broken right ulna near the wrist, and multiple fractures to right radius near the wrist, requiring surgical repair
• Broken left humerus and severely dislocated left elbow with ligament and tendon damage, requiring surgical repair
• Broken left tibia and fibula beneath the knee, and torn left patellar tendon, requiring surgical repair
• Broken left ankle in multiple locations, requiring surgical repair
• Burst fracture to fourth thoracic vertebra, which has not required surgical repair - yet

He is in the midst of a two-month stint of laying on his back, waiting for the bones to heal, and meanwhile not ever getting up - EVER.


Here's what didn't happen: He didn't die. He didn't split his head open and die. Because he's not stupid.

For those of you that are stupid: Can you see the scratches on this helmet here? The impact cut entire sections out of the shell. Some of those scratches, like those more horizontal ones on the side, are about 1/8 of an inch deep. The impact was so hard, it burst the face shield completely off the helmet.

I love this helmet. Without this helmet, my dad would now be dead.

If you are stupid, like Ben Roethlisberger, it is time for you to wise up. You might be a great rider. Unfortunately, it isn't always about you. You might be riding properly until you get cut off by some idiot driver in an SUV. Or you might be involved in some freak accident, high-siding into the rocks unexpectedly while going carefully around a corner at only 25 miles per hour. Don't be stupid.

A Supercross Season for the Ages

My son and I just got back from maybe the best sporting event I will ever attend - the 2006 Las Vegas Supercross.


Now this is no small thing. I was in the audience in Logan, Utah when Utah State University upset Brigham Young by the score of 58-56 in football. It was against the rules in that game to play defense. Oh yes, that game rocked.

I should say, it rocked, unless you have the sorry lot of being a BYU fan - but then, if you were, you wouldn't be reading this blog. This blog is for half bad boys, not sissy pansy-waists. As anyone knows, if you wish to attend BYU, you must agree to adhere to the code of conduct, part of which reads, "I vow to consider myself superior to everyone else," and another part which reads, "I disavow myself from ever being a half bad boy; rather, I vow to be a sissy pansy-waist."
If you ARE a BYU fan and happened to arrive here by accident, I apologize. I recommend you try http://self-righteous-sissy-pansy-waists.blogspot.com/. That is probably where you meant to go anyway.


Another great sporting event right after BYU's guard tandem of Randy and Robby Reid were featured in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. No, they were actually featured for their supposed basketball prowess, not for being sissy pansy-waists. Although it was later said of them, "The two biggest boobs in this year's SI Swimsuit Issue are Randy and Robby Reid."

Anyway, BYU came to Logan where a complete unknown point guard named Roddie Anderson completely schooled the Reids for 40 minutes as USU routed BYU by like 20 points.


Amazingly, many of my great sporting moments revolve around USU upsetting BYU.


But I digress. As I said, I took my son to the 2006 Las Vegas Supercross, where Chad Reed and Ricky Carmichael came into the event tied for the lead in points with James Stewart only 5 points back. The buildup was awesome and so was the racing. In the Supercross class main event, it all came down to the start. Chad was the fastest of the night, but it was only by tenths. By the end of lap two, Stewart had a 3 second lead on Carmichael, who had a 3 second lead on Reed, and that is how it ended.

I was disappointed, sure, because Chad didn't pull it off. But in true Chad Reed style, he was gracious, appreciative of the opportunity, respectful of the other two champions, a good sport, and above all, he remembered to thank his wife Ellie.


And I got to experience it all with my son. Nope, I'll never forget that one for sure.

Understanding Generative Thinking Part 3 (or, How to Prove Your Point with Diagrams)

(If you have not read parts one and two, you probably should do that first.)

One of the great things about generative thinking is that it allows you to prove your point with diagrams. Notice here that I did not say, "demonstrate" your point. I said "prove" your point.

With generative thinking, if you like, you can draw a diagram that discusses your point. This is not that big of a deal. The big deal is, if anyone disagrees with your point, you can reference the diagram you just drew as proof that you are right!
Remember, part of generative thinking is that they have to accept whatever you say without questioning it. And don't forget the advantages of shouting!

Here is a real world example of how this actually happened. I am not making this up. I have several witnesses that can vouch for the validity of this experience.

The topic of discussion was, communicating issues between individual contributors and management. The question was asked, "I don't always feel comfortable communicating problems to my upper management. Sometimes I am asked to do something; I see a problem, but I am unsure how to communicate this problem to them effectively. Do you have any suggestions?"

It is very important that you do not forget this question, because it will NEVER BE ANSWERED.

Here is how the question was addressed.

"Well, let's take a look at this. What you don't want to do is try to solve problems. I'll show you." And she drew this picture. "See, here you have your problems."


"There's something about problems. What do problems lead to?"
We answered, "Solutions."
"That's right. Solutions." And she drew this next picture.


Then she went on. "See, the thing about problems is, in order to address the problems, we come up with solutions to the problems. But what happens when you come up with solutions? You simply find more problems!" And she drew this picture.

At this point, one person in the class took exception. "Uhh, well, I don't agree. Sometimes, you identify a problem, and you solve it, and it just stays solved. Then you move on."

Silly student! That is thinking about, not thinking for! The instructor of generative thinking is always right!

She returned to the board again. "No, I'm sorry, that is not correct. As you can see here on the board, problems lead to solutions, which lead back to problems. It is a vicious cycle. You don't want to get caught up in trying to solve problems!"

Let me just say that not only will you not get very far telling software engineers, whose job it is to solve problems, that solving problems is a no-win game and a bad idea, but also it didn't really fool anyone that she had just drawn a picture, and then used the picture to prove her point of view. Very interesting!


She went on. "Instead of trying to solve problems, you want to identify the 'what's so.'" She drew this picture. "You separate the fact from your opinion. That is what it means to identify the what's so."

(See, you can't trademark the word "facts." I wouldn't be surprised if "what's so" is a trademarked term.)


Next she drew this picture. "When you identify the what's so, then you come up with what's possible. This opens you up to discover creative ways of addressing the what's so." You see, no solutions to problems are ever creative!

Anyway, because you have identified the "what's so" and have now had many edifying conversations about "what's possible," I'm sure you are wondering what happens next. So were we.


"Now that you know what's so and what's possible, the great thing about this is, it invites solutions." And she drew this picture.

No, I'm not kidding.

We looked on in astonishment as we saw that we had just completed a larger circle. Most of us were truly trying to see this from her point of view and validate it. But we couldn't help but notice that all we did is add two extra steps to the infinite loop we had originally!

As best I can tell, what this picture points out is the following: "Problems lead to solutions, which only lead back to more problems. This is how you address problems on your own. If you want to involve management, you must first identify the what's so. Then you communicate it to management who tells you what's possible. What's possible might include things like, "If you don't solve that problem, it is very possible that you will get fired." Or, "If you don't have enough time to solve that problem, it is very possible that you will need to work late nights." Such possibilities obviously invite you to come up with a solution, any solution, to the problem.
And you're right back where you started.

The moral of the story is, involving management in problem solving involves twice as many steps and takes twice as long. Otherwise, you can spin faster if you just deal with it yourself!


I related this story to my friend Brandon. After he wiped the tears from his eyes and got his breath back, he posited the following:

"The thing is, a problem is not an oval, it is a triangle. Each side of the triangle represents the three sides of the problem - my side, your side, and the truth. We draw a line out of each side of the triangle to represent the three sides of the problem. There is a circle that touches each of these lines. The circle represents you. Outside of you is a larger circle. This represents upper management. To solve a problem, then, you simply draw dots in the space between you and upper management. There. Problem solved."

Here is the picture he drew:



We now call this the Hubcap Methodology of solving problems. And don't go using it all over the place, willy-nilly. We are trademarking it.

Understanding Generative Thinking Part 2 (or, How To Teach Without Lesson Planning)

One of the really great things about teaching generative thinking is that it doesn't require a lesson plan. (See Part 1 of this series if you haven't already.)

It doesn't require a lesson plan, because you start out by telling the audience that they just have to accept what you say as a valid point of view, and they aren't allowed to question it or debate. This makes it so you can get paid to pontificate, philosophise, and otherwise b.s. your audience about whatever your opinion is on anything you want. They will just sit there and try to make sense of whatever drivel falls out of your mouth, knowing that they can't question or debate it.

When you are done talking, nobody will dare say anything, because what they want to say is, "What in the crap are you talking about?" But only you are allowed to say such things. Either that, or they are expecting you to continue, because they expect you to make a point. But you don't really have a point, other than to talk about whatever enters your head. So you can sit there in silence for a while. After a while, you can say, "You people are not thinking loud enough." What this really means is, "Someone make a comment, so I can philosophise about it."

Now you might be wondering, "But what happens if someone expresses an idea that I don't want to talk about, or asks a question that I don't know the answer to?" Ah, my young Padowan. Fear not! It is at this point that you pull out some of your key phrases, like, "You don't have to understand it. Understanding is the booby prize," or, "You need to remember to listen and speak for, not listen and speak about." This last one is very key, since nobody in the room knows the difference between the two, and you never explain it to them. And since it is against the rules to try to understand or question it, they have to just accept it.
Another technique at this point is to begin the insults. For example, say, "I can't believe how insistent you guys are at getting off topic." This will let the audience know that the comment was not appropriate. They may not know what the topic is, but they know that the last comment was NOT the topic.

What they haven't learned yet is that the topic is whatever YOU want to talk about. The comment was on something that you don't want to talk about. Obviously that makes it off topic.


You might believe this to be made up, but I swear this actually happened. After coming back from a break, the instructor leads off the discussion basically by asking, "What have you guys been thinking about what we've been learning?" You might assume this is intended to be a 10-minute segue into the topic at hand, but no - this WAS the topic at hand, apparently, as we discussed apparently whatever the instructor wanted to talk about for over one hour. Then someone made a comment or asked some sort of question. The response came back, "You know, I cannot believe how devoted you guys are to getting the conversation off topic. We are trying to head somewhere, but you guys are bound and determined to dive down ratholes and spin on off-topic conversations."

To which we replied: "How can we go off topic when we don't know what we are even talking about or what we are trying to achieve?"

As best we could tell, it was off-topic if it was about something the instructor didn't want to talk about.


So again, this is a powerful tool. You could get paid to train people without actually teaching them anything. For example, you could make up a bunch of stuff about how similar the world economy is to a Chia Pet, or why gravity is a farce. If anyone disagrees with you, you can reprimand them for not listening to your point of view and accepting it as valid for you. If they ask a question about it, you can remind them that understanding is not the purpose. And if you get tired of talking about it, you can just be silent, and wait for them to say something. If they bring up something you want to talk about, you can talk about it. You are even welcome to disagree, if you like; as you'll remember, you don't have to follow your own rules. Or, if it is something you don't want to talk about, you can just claim that it is off-topic.

This way you can talk about whatever you want and get paid for it.

Understanding Generative Thinking, Part 1 (or, How To Get Paid To Teach Bunk)

I just finished a training course on generative thinking. Before I go any further, I must say that I feel I did learn skills, techniques, and information of value in this course. So if you ever are asked to take such a course, I'd say to do it; just be aware of what it is. To be clear - there is some value here.

I also have to say this is probably (and intended to be) the first of a series of blogs about this. It's too much information for one blog, and I have to get this written down in order to calm down about it.


Okay. Now, to talk about Generative Thinking Part 1, or How To Get Paid To Teach Bunk. Don't take this to mean that the whole thing is bunk. For example, you will find that this is a sort of a Jedi mind trick to help you win arguments.


1. Build a basis that defines itself with circular logic. For example, a basis where, in order to use what you learn, you have to first put it into practice; in order to understand it, you first have to make sense of it, etc. In this case, make a claim that you are going to teach techniques on how to communicate effectively, and then require them to master these skills before they can learn them.
2. Establish a precedent for listening. This is an important piece of foundational information which sets a stage where only you have the right to talk. Express that in the class you will be presenting an idea that they need to just try to accept as a possible reality. This will come in useful later.
3. Invent a vocabulary. Use phrases like "listen for, don't listen about" and "give granted trust, not earned trust" that don't really make any sense. Explain to the class that what this means is that you just decide to listen to and accept another point of view as valid for them. What you really mean is that you are exerting the right to say whatever you want and the class rescinds their right to question not only your information but also your reasoning.
4. Claim that understanding is the "booby prize." I recommend you specifically use these words. This way, whenever someone asks a question such as, "I don't understand what you just said," you can use this so you don't have to repeat yourself. Instead of trying again to teach it, you can simply say, "Well, understanding is the booby prize. You don't need to understand it."
5. Claim that things are the way you perceive them because you say so. By the way, you have to subtly make it clear that this rule only applies to you, not everyone. If you explicitly say so, they might call you on it, in which case you'll have to resort to rule 6. If you are subtle about it, they might not figure it out until the class is over.
6. If things don't go your way, use emotion, shouting, threats, and/or insults to get your way. Most people will respect an instructor as a position of authority without requiring any demonstration of why they should respect you. So you can use these manipulations as a way to guilt them into submission. For example, if someone asks a question that you don't want to answer, you can say something like, "I can't figure out what is wrong with you people, why you always have to understand everything." Or, if the question they ask exposes a flaw in your teaching, you can become angry, shout at them in front of the whole class, and claim (at a high volume) how disappointed you are that, after all this time, they still insist on being argumentative instead of just listening to what you have to say. You might think this is a bit hypocritical, but move on to #7.
7. You don't have to obey your own rules. You can pick and choose when you want to obey them. For example, you can tell the class that while two people are conversing, everyone else has to listen; but you can interrupt if you want to. You can explain to people that they should take emotion out of their confrontations, but then you can become angry, rude, and condescending (see #6). You can insist that people listen to you, and yet when they talk, you don't have to actually listen to their point of view; instead, you can claim that they are not listening to you.
8. Master key phrases. Some of them are, "You are putting words in my mouth." "That is your opinion, not a fact." "You aren't listening, you insist on arguing with me." Here is an example of how to use them:
Student: "I have a concern about what you have said. If I were to do that, I would get fired."
You: "That is your opinion, not a fact."
Student: "Well, no, it is a fact, because my boss told me, 'If you do that, you are fired.'"
You: "You aren't listening, you insist on arguing with me."
Student: "I feel like you aren't listening to me. You said that I should do (x), and all I did was express a concern about my job."
You: "You are putting words into my mouth."
Student: "No I'm not, I'm trying to understand what you said."
You: "Understanding is the booby prize. This is not about understanding."
Student: "Well, I don't know how I can use something if I don't understand it."
(This is the point at which you start shouting.)
You (shouting): "I have never, in all my years of teaching this course, known anyone so belligerent and insistent on arguing with me as you. You absolutely refuse to learn what I am trying to teach you. Maybe you'd be happier if I just declared this my first ever failure in trying to teach. This is something that you could obviously use, but you simply refuse to learn it."

If you follow all of these steps, more or less in order, you will arrive at nirvana, as long as you define nirvana as: A state where you are always right simply because you assert that you are right, and nobody can challenge you because they rescinded their right, and if they try to, you will beat them into submission.


Can you see how powerful this is? This is a technique wherein you don't have to answer questions that are hard, you can become offended and shout and insult people if they question you, and you don't have to actually succeed in making them learn anything. Powerful! You could create a consulting firm, teaching this stuff to corporations for large sums of money, and nobody could ever prove you wrong - at least, not without getting into a shouting match. Well, you are too late for that, because people are already doing it. But, it could be a great technique for winning arguments.

TLC Life Lessons - Don't Be Fooled

Maybe you've seen these new TLC Life Lessons commercials on TV lately. They advertise these figurines with "life lessons" printed on the bottom. They are admittedly kind of funny, but I've come to the conclusion that they were all written by women as a subtle message to try to change men into what they think they want.


Take this one for example. The text on the bottom of this one says "When she asks for a backrub, sometimes she just wants a backrub." Of course, all of us half bad boys know this.
We also know that the caption is not complete. The complete caption should read, "When she asks for a backrub, sometimes she just wants a backrub. And sometimes she wants more than a backrub. In either case, she lets you know by saying, 'Would you give me a backrub?'"
Now, check out the guy on this figurine. Does he look like a half bad boy? Does a half bad boy wear silky boxers with hearts on them? Give me a break! This guy probably listens to Barry Manilow.

Women don't get this quandary. I even explained it to my sigoth and she didn't seem to understand the problem: If "sometimes" she only wants a backrub, how are we supposed to know which of the "sometimes" she only wants a backrub?

Well, I'll tell you - it is part of a plan to trap and frustrate you. Don't be fooled. These and other messages are intended to confuse men and women and to complicate the relationship between us, not sweeten it. Believe me - as much as women complain about men vocally, they have been created to be attracted to men, and vice versa, by our very natures. If you believe in God, then you can believe we were created that way; if you don't, then you must believe that millions of years of natural selection have led us to this point as a species.

Don't get drawn into this. Be a manly man. Be a half bad boy. Respect your sigoth and support her, but don't give into this societal attempt to turn a man into a demasculated, hypersensitive, feminine version of his former self. She might complain that you don't cry with her in that chick flick you suffer through for her sake, but trust me - she will appreciate you being a rock when her emotions are all shot to hell. She really wants a man, despite what society tries to tell her. Hang tough my friend.

By the way, the figurines are funny, and you can buy them online if you are so inclined.