We Are Jerks. Or, How the Confrontation Went, in Alternate-Reality-Land

Ah, MLMs. Golden opportunities for average joes like you and me to work like crazy to make other people rich. But other than that, not much at all like a legitimate business.

The curse of Mozy is to rent office space next door to an MLM company. Granted, this is not too difficult in Utah County, MLM capital of the world. Still, it makes one wonder what evil the founder may have done for Mozy to be cursed so.

Us on the bottom floor of the new Mozy building have the distinct privilege of sharing the floor with an MLM company, whose name will be withheld here synergistically to protect them, where "privilege" is like unto the privilege that Braveheart experienced to be disemboweled in public as penitence for his sin of wanting to be left alone, much like us.


MLMs are built upon the premise of getting rich without having to do anything. Everything is about appearance and affluence with MLMs. As I type we've got people pulling up in their rented black Mercedes or BMW to come in to yet another open house and try to impress each other. These guys act like they own the whole building, because that is part of the image they are trying to put forth. They are right this moment holding yet another open house which consumes the entire main entrance and main entrance foyer. This is done without any announcement, let alone request for permission, to the other tenants in the building - certainly not those of us on the main floor who share the foyer, entryway, elevators and bathroom. In fact, they are the smallest tenant in the building, but they act like they own the whole thing.


So it is really no surprise, especially to those familiar with Mozy culture, that someone finally had enough the other day and posted a little 8 1/2 x 11 picture comparing regular MLM-style magic juice with "Mozy juice" in such manner that the people across the hall could read it, if they walked up close enough. It is true that the sign made reference to magic juice, special berries picked by monk children high in the mountains in the early morning, and pyramid schemes in general. It did not mention our neighbors by name or necessarily even imply that they were related at all.
Actually the sign is pretty funny.

So I walk out the door for the purpose of conducting natural personal waste removal, and I'm accosted by a representative of said neighbor, demanding in polite tone that I take the sign down. So from here on, I'm going to describe the confrontation, which proves that we are jerks, although I do freely admit that I may be making some of this up.

Neighbor Enraged, Requiring Discipline: Hey, I'd like you to please take that sign down, it is offensive.
Me: What sign?
NERD: (pointing to the sign) That sign you guys posted attacking our company. It is disrespectful and offensive. I don't know why you would put something like that up, and I would like you to take it down.
Me: Well, I wasn't even aware that the sign was there until just now. I don't even know what it says.
NERD: It is offensive to our company. I would take it down myself, but I can't because it is taped on the other side of a window and the door is locked.
Me: So, if the door wasn't locked, you would just walk into our part of the building and take it down? You believe that if the sign is offensive that gives you the right to walk into our part of the building, where we are creating and discussing trade secrets and intellectual property, and take the sign down because you don't like it?
NERD: Well, I would just like you to take it down.
Me: You have a pretty big display of stuff inside your office doors. Some of those displays might be offensive to me. Should I just walk in there and take down whatever offends me also?
NERD: No. Alright. I wouldn't just walk into your part of the building. Will you take the sign down please?
Me: Well, I didn't put the sign up. It would be presumptuous of me to assume I can just take it down without consulting with whomever put it up in the first place.
NERD: You mean you can't just take it down?
Me: No. I can communicate your temper tantrum within the company and see if whomever put it up wants to remove it.
NERD: I don't see why you can't just remove it. It's disrespectful.
Me: You know what is disrespectful? You guys, holding your big open houses in the foyer of the building all the time. You invite people in, you take over the entryway and the entire lobby, which are all public areas of the building, but you treat them like they belong only to you. You make it so we don't feel comfortable even using our own restroom or walking out our own front door.
NERD: Well, I'm really sorry we do that.
Me: No offense, but you are apologizing as a part of trying to get me to do you a favor. I have no way of knowing whether you really mean it or not.
NERD: I still don't understand why you won't just take the sign down.
Me: For reasons that I cannot explain and are really none of your business anyway, I'm not at liberty to just take down a sign that I didn't put up.
NERD: But that sign is offensive!
Me: That's an opinion. What about the sign exactly is offensive to you?
NERD: Well, it is making fun of our product.
Me: (reading briefly) It says here it is talking about "magic juice."
NERD: Yes, exactly.
Me: Do you sell magic juice?
NERD: No! Calling it "magic" is derogatory. We sell fruit-juice for health-conscious individuals that conveys special healing powers.
Me: How much is this juice?
NERD: $42.25 per bottle.
Me: So, your juice is not magic juice?
NERD: No!
Me: Okay. So it sounds to me like you charge over $40 for regular fruit juice, and that this sign doesn't apply to you. This sign is talking about magic juice. But you just sell atrociously expensive regular juice.
NERD: Um..
Me: Right?
NERD: Well, there's a phrase in that sign that talks about pyramid schemes designed to prey upon the naive and greedy.
Me: So?
NERD: That offends me.
Me: Is your business a pyramid scheme that preys upon the naive and greedy?
NERD: That's beside the point.
Me: No, it is the point. Either that phrase describes your business factually, or it doesn't describe you at all. Either way, you should not be offended.
NERD: Well, it IS offensive!
Me: Look, a statement saying that pyramid schemes prey upon the naive and greedy is a fact. it is like someone telling me, "Matt, your hair is going gray." That is a fact. There's no reason to be offended by that. If someone were to tell me, "Matt, your hair is turning pink," that also is not offensive, because it is not true. Either way, it's not offensive.
NERD: But...
Me: I think what you find "offensive" is not really offensive, but disconcerting. You're afraid the naive and greedy people that come in here to do business with you will find out the truth about your business. You're afraid they will find out they have been deceived, and that in fact the whole business model is based upon deceiving people.
NERD: (threatening) Now look here. You'd better get in there and take down that sign, or...

Just then, as he started vigorously towards me, I snapped my fingers. Around the corner walked a half-dozen large, smelly, long-haired guys dressed in black slacks, black shoes, white socks, and black Apple t-shirts. Yes - the Black Ponytails. Mice and keyboards started flailing about as the severe beatings began.

Suffice it to say, I thought we had an understanding. The broken tiles in the foyer were replaced this morning. Yet, today another open-house was held in the foyer. I may need to call those friends of mine again...

EMC Forms Decho

EMC has created a new subsidiary company, named Decho. The new company was created from Mozy and Pi, so I'm a part of this new company. The name "decho" is derived from "digital echo," referring to your cloud-stored data as "your digital echo" in the cloud. Decho is a cloud-computing company.

So, Matt. What do you think of the new name?

Decho should be a really fun new venture. The competition is formidable - Google, Microsoft, Amazon, IBM, Apple - in fact, formidable is a bit of an understatement. But I do really believe that there is a market for a platform-neutral cloud computing solution that makes its money by keeping your data safe, secure, available, and private, and not by mining your data for other profit ventures.
I'm on the Decho train. I've done this ride before, and I have no reason to think anything other than that this will be at least as successful as the last fully-owned-subsidiary-spinout company I was a part of before in my career, named Volera.

Yes. What about the name?

Well, Mozy is already a very successful product. We have over 1 million customers, as I understand it, and we're continuing to grow.

Alright, but let's talk about Decho. What about the new name?

Yes, Mozy is a great place to work. We're in a brand new building, there are many very cool people there, and even Alen Peacock works there. We have our own Rock Band setup on a high-definition TV in the breakroom, which is generally stocked with a variety of snacks. And it is great to work on a product that you know is being used by people all over the world - and should be used by pretty much everyone.

The name! What about the name?

Mozy's technology is truly incredible. The backups happen pretty much automatically. The data is stored in a very safe and very secure fashion. You get unlimited backup for only $4.95 a month. What's not to like?

I'm asking about the name. What do you think of the name?

I really like the name. Mozy is a nice, short word, that means nothing, is hard to pronounce wrong, and just eminates the awesome. I'm totally on board the Decho train.

Not the Mozy name. The Decho name. What is your opinion of the name?

Err, what? What was that? Uh ... ok, sorry, I have to go now.

New MacBook Pro - Mozy Loves Me

Mozy loves me. She bought me a present. I anxiously opened it, and when I looked inside the first thing I saw was "Designed by Apple in California."


Yes, Mozy bought me a new MacBook Pro. Like I said, Mozy loves me. It is obvious that she wants my body, totally.

So I'm setting up the new MacBook as I speak - er, type. I'm borrowing another MacBook to do this blog posting, because I cannot bear the thought of sitting here waiting without being able to use either my new MacBook Pro or my Mac Pro workstation while the Migration Assistant is transferring files:


As you can see, I still have over an hour to wait. Anyone who knows me knows I get bored so easily that there is no way I can wait that long. So I'm borrowing this other laptop in the meantime.

By the way, did you know that the new MacBook Pro bodies are made with a single piece of aluminum? It's true. These are naturally occurring chunks of aluminum mined straight out of the ground in the shape of a laptop. They are very rare; it is no wonder Apple had to wait so long to produce laptops this way. Anyway, each should be considered a treasure, because who knows how many naturally-occurring laptop-shaped pieces of aluminum there are in the world - certainly the supply is limited.

However, the truly best part about this gift is that I should be able to avoid run-ins with the Black Ponytails next year at WWDC, since in reality I just borrowed that other MacBook long enough to get those guys off my back and spare my own life.

Yes, it is obvious, Mozy is totally in love with me. I'm holding out, though. I've got hand in this relationship. I'm holding out for an iPhone. I'm not ready to commit to a steady relationship, but if she really and truly loves me, she'll buy me an iPhone, and then it might be time to start "going steady," if you know what I mean.

Mozy Commercials

The new Mozy commercials are on YouTube now, and I think they are pretty great. Nicely done iJustine.

Mozy's New Office

Here at Mozy we just moved to a new office location, about one mile south of where we used to be, which is closer to home. So every day I drive about two minutes less than I used to - hooray!

Actually we moved a few weeks ago. The last time this happened to me was when I worked at Volera, when we moved from Novell Provo campus to a new Volera building right about spin-off time. Then a week after Volera moved, they laid off 10% of the workforce. So I thought maybe I should wait to blog about the move. Then I remembered, "Wait a minute! Volera sucked! Mozy doesn't suck - Mozy is awesome!" Fear abated.*

Anyway, the new digs are great, and I was committed to not be so superficial as to allow the nicer new building to affect my morale, but I failed. I believe it now - a nicer environment really can help make your employees happier.

So when you walk into Mozy's front door, this is what you see.
We rent office space in this building along with a couple of other tenants. The Mozy lobby is actually on the second floor. Take the elevators ahead at the right to get there. But my office is just through those doors on the left. Mozy rents about 1/3 of the building.
What is to the right? I'm sorry but I cannot say. It isn't because it is a secret - it is because I refuse to promote them out of principle. The Mozy curse is that we must always rent office space next door to an MLM company, which is not that hard to do in Utah county. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about it, it is a bit annoying and embarrassing.

Here is the Mozy lobby, upstairs on the second floor. Walk through that door to get to the receptionist's desk. She knows everything.

Conference rooms at Mozy are named after famous superheroes, like Gambit, whoever that is. Also notice the world's longest whiteboard. That's right - here at Mozy we are the current world record holders for "world's longest whiteboard." If I remember correctly, it is somewhere around 787,500 feet long.

One thing you may not have known before - the world famous Alen Peacock works for Mozy. That alone should convince you to sign up. As proof I present this photo of Alen Peacock in action:

Finally, a snapshot of my office. I mean, cubicle.
These, we are told, are some of the nicest cubicles money can buy. To which I say, "Yes, but they are still cubicles." But I do have a hard time complaining about the 8-core Mac Pro, 24" widescreen monitor, or the Herman Miller Celle chair. Likewise, it is hard to complain about the three Ferraris to the left or the awesome Skullcandy Skullcrusher headphones. Of course, all that stuff belongs to me anyway.


*I wasn't really worried about Mozy, I was just kidding around. I don't speak on behalf of Mozy, I just think it is a great place to work. All that stuff was just a joke. Except the part about Volera.

Trying To Convice Myself That Ferrari != Happiness

It is said that possessions alone do not make you happy. This is true; sometimes you find the happiness through other people's possessions instead.

Another common belief about money is that the love of money is the root of all evil. This is also true - you should not love your money.

What you should do is give your money to Ferrari, in exchange for an F430. Or, make friends with someone who has a Ferrari, so their possessions can make you happy instead.

If you are like me, and you just can't find anyone with a Ferrari to be friends with (or, can't hide the superficiality of pretending to want to be friends with someone who has one already), the next best thing is to make friends with someone like Kyle who has a friend that will loan him his Ferrari F430 for the day in order to help Kyle complete his Halloween costume of "a successful person."

And then, of course, you have to be selected for a ride. Gratefully Kyle stopped by my cube first thing after he got to work this morning and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. When I looked at him, he showed the Ferrari key, completing the thought. A ride in a Ferrari? Is there really any other answer to that question than an emphatic "Of course!"?

When I walked outside this is what I found - a beautiful silver-gray Ferrari F430 Spider:

We got in, carefully, and gingerly - getting in is a bit of a feat, especially if you are 6'2". Kyle inserted the key, then pressed the starter button and that wonderful 480hp Ferrari V8 roared to life. We slowly pulled out of the parking lot here at Mozy and then onto the freeway.

If I had one of these, I might just drive it onto the freeway all day long, just pulling off so I could pull back on again.

This car is incredible. I must have said that ten times during the drive. The seats were incredibly comfortable; the side bolsters securely hold you in place, so much so that when going through corners you don't even feel the lateral g forces. The car is firmly planted on the road with no body roll through corners. And hearing that Ferrari V8 climb through the gears as you click them off with the paddle shifter - wow.

We cruised along the freeway at what felt like a crawl but was actually around 80 mph.

If you look closely you can see that we are well below the 8500 rpm redline, but at near redline for most normal cars. The engine sounds so nice you just can't think of shifting to a lower gear.

Oh, that black rectangle in the dash, pictured in the lower right corner? Yeah, that is the stereo. You don't really use that thing in a Ferrari - it muffles the sound system in back, pictured here:


You can see the cool air ducts in this rear view mirror shot at speed, and even some of the jealous people around us on the freeway. When you are in a Ferrari, everyone else on the road is jealous.

We're doing about 90 here, hoping to not find any cops. If I had this car, I don't know how I would possibly avoid getting a ticket. It is so easy to take it up over 90; this car gets there before you know it, without even thinking about it. And it doesn't even feel like you are going fast, other than the fact that you are blowing by everyone else on the road.

After leaving the freeway we went down into town to return to work via this nice curvy road called Pleasant Grove Boulevard. Speed limit on Pleasant Grove Boulevard is 40. We were taking those curves at 80 without even thinking about it. It didn't even feel like we were pushing it at all. Simply amazing.

Um, yeah. That plaque says "28 Formula 1 World Titles."


I didn't get to drive this car myself. Oh, I wanted to. But it wasn't loaned to me, it was loaned to Kyle. There's no way I'd even ask. Besides, even just getting to ride in it was awesome, and enough.
Still, here's a picture of me wearing a Ferrari. I think it looks pretty good on me.



That does it. Someday, someday...

Is Your Backup Secure?

While there are a number of online backup solutions available, not all provide the same levels of data security, according to Heise Online, in which several leading solution providers were tested for vulnerability to a man-in-the-middle attack. Many solutions failed the test, but Mozy passed with flying colors.

So, I'd say if you aren't using Mozy, now would be a good time to switch. Or start.

First Week Goals - Nailed

I'm feeling pretty stoked right now because I met my goal of completing a feature request by the end of my first week.

I have learned a lot of programming languages in my time. I've delivered production code in six: C, C++, Perl, Java, PHP, and Python. All six have syntax that varies from one to the other, Python being the most unique of the six; all six have varying degrees of suck-itude (Python, hardly any suck-itude; Java, 100% suck-itude); some are object-oriented, and some are C. But they really are all quite a bit like each other in concept.

Objective-C, however, is kinda throwing me for a curve. The metaphors of this language are a bit unique, and it is hard to anchor them to anything. I don't mean that I can't do it, but rather that it is stretching me.

That's why I'm so pleased that I met my goal. I imagine once I get this new technology figured out, what I did in one week (well, in fairness, it was really only about half a week, because of all the new-hire stuff I have to do) I should be able to do in a day or so. No matter. I'm stoked and ain't nobody bring me down today.

Get a Dog, Little Longy

I started my new job yesterday at Mozy.com and it seems like it is going to be pretty cool. Speaking only for myself, I have to say that if you aren't using Mozy now, I wonder why. Things seem cool here, and so far I'm loving my new Mac Pro workstation.

The name conjures images of cattle rustlers and dusty plains. Which, of course, conjures images of Patrick Star, hence the title.


If you are still wanting for a clarification, perhaps you need to dedicate more time to the fine community of Bikini Bottom.